Remaining quite cranky in my annual list of the top 10 films over at The Film Stage, I was surprised to find very few films I actually hated. 2014…maybe…kind of…sort of….wasn’t so bad after all cinematically. For some personal reasons the year was less than stellar, providing all the more reason to look forward to 2015. It also begs the question: am I coloring the year? I’m not so sure, on this list there’s one obvious picture that stands out, on the very opposite end of the spectrum from CitizenFour and Selma and that is Let’s Be Cops. Released just as the Ferguson police department was raging war on its citizens for demanding answers and accountability, it couldn’t have come at a worse time. Police brutality in any comedy is rarely funny, against the backdrop of Ferguson it seemed downright inappropriate. End of Watch, one of the best films about policing ever made - it certainly was not.
Others on this list earn a place for downright insulting your intelligence and wasting your time - on the bottom of the charts is a comedy that seemed to lack laughs - seeing it its opening night in a multiplex it was met with an award silence for much of its 100 minute running time - the film was so bad I begged friends via Facebook to buy me a drink or five to forget about it (that was after I wrote a scathing review). Why remember it? Perhaps I can save you from the same mistake I made. Others just simply didn’t work, and there is certainly a pattern here: the list, at its core includes unfunny comedies (again subjective), action movies with little to no character development that don’t give us a real reason to care, dramas that miss the mark and to be fair a dull documentary. Along the way you’ll also encounter (or hopefully when searching for something to watch on TV - steer clear of) a feature length commercial, an extended cut that wrecks the momentum of its original, and plenty of movies that just aren’t very much fun. A new years resolution I’ll be aiming for is to see less bad movies: often they are not possible to ignore - sometimes I’m astonished something so baffling has been made and has graced a local movie screen. Sometimes I’m proven wrong by a truly absorbing experience (I have given positive reviews to faith-based pictures before - including 2014’s Gimme Shelter).
Agree with me, hate me? Feel free to leave a comment.
And now, in the words of (the tragically and disturbingly still above ground) Casey Kasem - on with the countdown:
20.- The Maze Runner (Wes Bell) Slick looking but ultimately boring - truth be told it commits the ultimate sin that you’ll find frequently on this list - I can’t remember what the hell happened.
19.- When the Game Stands Tall (Thomas Carter) The message trumps entertainment in this Texas sports drama that ultimately forgets to have fun - Varsity Blues this is not.
18.-Deliver us From Evil (Scott Derrickson) I imagine the real life story is insanely more interesting than Derrickson’s film that invents and takes liberties - including a deadly beating that didn’t happen in real life. If the NYPD ever decides to stop whining about Bill DeBlasio, Patrick Lynch should pick his next fight with this movie. (Full Review)
17.-Intramural (Andrew Disney) An unfunny sports comedy that unlike When the Game Stands Tall is having too much fun without stopping to let us in on the joke. Perhaps it requires either being drunk or high, therefore the lone Alamo Drafthouse outpost in Colorado is the only theater that legally should be showing it. (Full Review)
16.-The Face of Love (Arie Posin) One of two talent-filled features that simply falls flat this year - staring Annette Bening as a women stalking a man (Ed Harris) who resembles her late husband (Robin Williams and Jess Weixler also co-star). Transitioning from earnest to creepy and into melodrama cliché all within a scene is quite a unique failure - perhaps the only filmmakers that could pull off such a feat successfully are Mike Leigh and Tyler Perry.
15.- Left Behind (Vic Armstrong) I imagine the entire budget of this film went towards its cast (including Nicolas Cage, Chad Michael Murray, Jordin Sparks and Lea Thompson), a low-rent affair from the get-go (gosh that music score! Smooth jazz - come on, this isn’t a 90s made for TV picture, or is it?) - it never delivers instead growing offensive. Truly a dangerous picture rather than an inclusive faith-based work.
14.- Dumb and Dumber To (Bobby & Peter Farrelly) Not without a few laughs, but it certainly doesn’t live up to the original. Granted, we know what we’re getting and some moments have a kind of sweetness that’s broken up by frequent sexism that quite frankly made me cringe. It’s got a lot of “humor” or attempts at humor that instead inspire the opposite reaction - and I’m no prude, perhaps I’m overthinking this one.
13.-Horrible Bosses 2 (Sean Anders) What promise Sean Anders’ first feature, Never Been Thawed, presented to us. While I’ve been a fan of some of his work since then (including the delightful She’s Out of My League), Horrible Bosses forces laughs. A comedy sequel is difficult to pull off: how do you keep it fresh (the backbone of comedy) while keeping the character and spirit of the original in tact? Here’s a textbook example of what not to do.
12.- I, Frankenstein (Stuart Beattie) Another film I don’t remember very much of. (I actually had a horrible viewing experience - - yes, I’m calling you at National Amusements Concourse Plaza Multiplex in the Bronx, never again!) Aaron Eckhart whom you may remember as a cold hearted bastard in the great indie In The Company of Men, 17 years ago, does something with a Frankenstien - the action is frantic and the visuals are dark (and I saw it in 2D - again - screw you Concourse Plaza Multiplex). I don’t think I missed a masterpiece here.
11.-Legend of Hercules (Renny Harlin) A bland origin story of Hercules (and one of two Hercules pictures out this year) staring Kellan Lutz whom Hollywood is still trying to make happen. B-grade movie that again I don’t remember very much of.
10.- Pompeii (Paul WS Anderson) Noticing a trend here? I should stop wasting my money on these kinds of films - I did recall the 3D was pretty good here - the story, not so much.
9.- Meet the Mormons (Blair Treu) A slickly produced commercial for the Mormon faith that oddly felt of out of place in a commercial multiplex. If its a “commercial”, it’s awfully curious that its producer, Intellectual Reserve, an arm of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints opted to keep it behind an exhibitors paywall. I (well MoviePass, let’s be honest) payed $10.50 to watch a commercial. While some stories are quite interesting others are less than extraordinary, preaching to the converted - literally. (Full Review)
8.- Third Person (Paul Haggis) Playing as a parody of a pretentious art house film - Paul Haggis’ Third Person is not without ambition, although once the gig is up (and the audience gets ahead of its narrator fairly quickly) it grows into a tiresome and often unintentionally hilarious misfire. It’s unfortunate given the talent involved including writer-director Haggis, Liam Neeson, Maria Bello, Mila Kunis, Kim Basinger, Adrien Brody, Oliva Wild and James Franco - but what looks good on paper doesn’t always translate to screen. It’s 137 minute running time doesn’t help matters either.
7.- Step Up: All In (Trish Sie) So this happened, in 3D. While the dance numbers are passively exciting in spades, the script is quite paint-by-the-numbers. There’s not excuse to phone it in. (Full Review)
6.-Citizen Koch (Carl Deal & Tia Lessin) A weak documentary that follows activists looking to unseat Wisconsin governor Scott Walker while telling us too little about the brothers Koch, industrial magnates whom collect objects of power. The problem is Citizen Koch isn’t doing anything that MSNBC and NPR haven’t done more effectively recently: it provides very little new information about David and Charles Koch or “Astroturf” grassroots organizations like Citizens United. I suspect the reasons real PBS didn’t air it is because MSNBC - especially Rachel Maddow and Chris Haynes - had beat them to it.
5.- Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues: Super-Sized R-Rated Version (Adam McKay) Why fix what wasn’t broken? This version, extended by 24 minutes returns painfully unfunny bits that were luckily scrapped from the film’s very funny PG-13 rated version. These “unrated” or “extended cuts” seem like a bait-and-switch of sorts: comedy should be efficient. I imagine a lot of trial and error goes on in the Judd Apatow factory but this version is downright unwatchable returning jokes that likely bombed in front of a test audience. Motivated by a cheap profit and made possible thanks to digital cinema, I hope this idea is never repeated again. (Full Review)
4.- That Awkward Moment (Tom Gormican) Zac Efron, Miles Teller, and Michael B. Jordan try so hard to make a terrible script work, but when it’s lacking engaging, realistic characters and substance you can only get so far. The dialogue — made up mostly of quick one-liners, some likely improvised — wear out their welcome quick, while providing zero background information on these guys, apart from the fact that they went to college together. And when all else fails: cue the music and lets build it into a montage. (Full Review)
3.- The Other Women (Nick Cassavetes) Unfunny and disturbingly anti-feminist: not a single independent women to be had in this picture that tires very hard for laughs. Cameron Diaz stars as a high-powered attorney who discovers her boyfriend is cheating on her…with his wife - played by a manic Leslie Mann. Mann, a talented actress is truly scary here as a women who must be suffering from an undiagnosed bipolar disorder that crosses the line away from the intended light comedy. A truly awful picture, and a miracle in its own right: a film with three female leads that manages to flunk the Bechdel Test.
2.-Let’s Be Cops (Luke Greenfield) A film that was truly unhelpful to the dialogue started around its release, the film hit theaters right as Ferguson, MO was searching for answers. Here our “heros” pretend to be cops illustrating attitudes society holds towards the police in general: while this could be helpful - heck even a Jackass style film about pretend cops could be helpful, it’s a cop out. (Not to be confused with Kevin Smith’s worst feature of the same name) Going for cheap laughs verses intelligent social commentary it may very well be the wrong film at the wrong time, but I doubt in any circumstance it would be considered funny.
1.-Sex Tape (Jake Kasdan) I hope the Sony hacks eventually reveal how this awful picture came into being: perhaps on paper it looked good - Cameron Diaz, Jason Segel, and Jake Kasden…something interesting might happen, right? Not with a DOA script by Kate Angelo, Segel and Nick Stoller full of comedy tropes and borrowed elements (it also knows nothing about pornography, technology, intimacy, the list could go on). It’s a comedy so broad that perhaps its for no one, save for a chuckle or two I think I could sue Sony Pictures for falsely marketing this as a comedy. I can safely say I’d rather get punched in the nuts then have to watch this picture again. (Full Review)
John Fink writes at Fink on Films and at The Film Stage - and tweets @finkjohnj
John Fink writes at Fink on Films and at The Film Stage - and tweets @finkjohnj
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