THE BOTTOM 20: the worst films of 2013

 

2013 actually was not a landmark year for cinema – sure we had some excellent new films – many were in the middle, what my old college roommate used to say when he didn’t want to make a decision about a movie (and rather frequently) “two – two and a half stars”. It was that kind of year.

With that said we must revisit, or shall we say – take a walk of shame first before we get to the best. This year I had knocked back a little over 300 films in theaters. The rule for qualification is simple (yet I still struggle with them). I had to have seen them in 2013 in a finished state and accessible to those willing to pay for them in a public setting (like a film festival, theatrical run or a screening where money was exchanged for a ticket). It’s even more painful when MoviePass doesn’t cover one of these stinkers.

So why revisit the bottom 20? I should caution this is entirely subjective, some movies on this list were hits and were widely loved, others have yet to surface beyond a festival run (many of those were Tribeca films). Some were action movies that had little going on under the hood, and some where made by people with good intensions. It may seem unfair to call them out but they do quality under the rules. (One in particular, a Buffalo, NY indie that I had considered leaving off the list, however any publicity is better than no publicity - right?). And so it goes – and the funny thing is this isn’t 50 hours of my life I wish I could get back no matter how painful certain moments pained me – there is always something to learn from the awful.

20 – Teenage (Matt Wolf) – Simply put Teenage tells an interesting story in a rather dull way. An academic study told in recreations framed to appear as found footage, it functions in both the poetic and expository documentary modes. Amongst several problems is the lack of voices – only four to represent teens everywhere. The style recalls the reflexive, personal film essays of Terence Davis (in  particular Of Time and the City) without the emotional connection. (Full Review)

19 – Crystal Fairy & the Magical Cactus and 2012 (Sebastian Silva) – I might have missed the boat on this one, a drug filed romp through Chile staring Michael Cera, the problem is as innovative as certain moments are it’s just not very funny. Watch El Topo instead.

18 – Diana (Oliver Hirschbiegel) – How did a smart director make such a misfire (perhaps contractual obligation), this is the story of Prince Diana (played by Naomi Watts) and her last days including her nearly secret relationship with Hasnat Khan (Naveen Andrews) before her well documented fling with Dodi Fayed. Poorly written in passages, it suffers from the same problem Jobs did – it lacks ambition.

17.- Thor: The Dark World (Alan Taylor) – Again perhaps I missed the boat on this one. I enjoyed the first Thor movie, this one I didn’t really provide me with a reason to care with no much going on under the hood I was mostly bored.

16.- Bullet to the Head (Walter Hill) – Such a shame, I was in the mood for an 80’s throw back (especially after seeing Arnold’s return in The Last Stand, one of the best action films of the year) – and this is what I got. Most noticeably, the film is poorly color graded, so much so I had to confirm the theater removed the Real-D polarizer from the projector. The movie lacks fun and wit. On a side note Sly Stallone’s latest film Grudge Match, is pretty enjoyable.

15.- Pacific Rim (Guillermo del Toro) – My friend James claims I hate this movie because I never had a childhood. I like to think I had a great childhood, raised on a steady diet of Ang Lee, Spike Lee, and Mike Leigh. This is a giant game of Rock Em Sock Em Robots that’s not very interesting save for Ron Pearlman. Guillermo del Toro is a great filmmaker and a wonderful visual storyteller, this one represents a lapse in judgement. 

14. – GI Joe: Retaliation (John M. Chu) – Pushed back to digitally convert the film to 3D, the strange thing is it never resolves anything – Channing Tatum appears and then is gone with no explanation like Judy from Family Matters. A mess that was likely made worse due to studio intervention and a lame 3D conversion (sadly its directed by Jon M. Chu who knows how to use 3D well, if only he knew how to 'use' story…)

13.- Movie 43 (various) An omni-bus crash – Movie 43 should have been released in webisodes. Various A-List celebrities appear in a film that was clearly has been designed to be consumed on cable – hey look it’s Emma Stone, what movie is this? It’s not cinema.

(Full Review)

12.-  The Big Wedding (Justin Zackham) Another star studded dud with too few laughs – it’s the worst kind of safe “product”.

11.- Bluebird (Lance Edmands) Set in a small Maine town at the height of logging season, this is essentially the story of a small town transfixed by tragedy – but its no Atom Egoyan film. Leaving the more interesting parts off screen, it’s slow rhythm eventually grows maddening and indulgent – it’s a shame, the film contains excellent performances by John Slattery and Louisa Krause, but it would be better off 20 minutes shorter.

10.- Safe Haven (Lasse Hallstrom) Okay – when they make the Chris Brown/Rihanna biopic they must hire Nicolas Sparks to write the screenplay. This one contains all the narrative material of a Sparks novel (abused, lonely women on the run – a nice guy – crooked cops). It’s like he’s not even trying anymore. Not original or exciting – it like other Sparks adaptations contains pretty people and beautiful cinematography so it’s at least got that going for it.

9.- Deep Powder (Mo Ogrodnik) Inspired by a true story, Deep Powder chooses to tell the least interesting part of the story – a classic rich girl falls for a poor boy, they together smuggle drugs in to the US for her rich asshole prep school friends. I wish they were the prep school kids of a Whit Stillman movie, but they speak about nothing original or interesting. A dull picture that takes itself way too seriously to have any fun. (Full Review)

8.- Battle of the Year 3D (Benson Lee) Geared perhaps for a global audience, Battle of the Year 3D is one of the worst 3D films of all time with action moving so frantically you’ll leave the theater feeling like you’d been out drinking all night. Adapted from Benson Lee’s documentary Planet B-Boy, it’s a very boring, poorly written mess with a 110 minute running time. Caution. (Full Review)

7.- The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones (Harald Zwart) A strange, dull and otherwise downright lazy that contains very little of interest – poor character development and lame action. A mundane movie for an audience of “mundanes” (the film’s term for human). (Full Review)

6.- A Case of You (Kat Coiro) Bafflingly bad, a hipster romantic comedy staring Justin Long as a writer (of course) and Evan Rachel Wood as a woman he follows obsessively on Facebook, learning her interests in order to be her perfect man. Creepy, dull and sad – just like its characters. (Full Review)

5.-Smurfs 2 (Raja Gosnell) A few years ago my friends and I saw The Garbage Pail Kids movie at midnight at Brooklyn’s Nitehawk Cinema – as scary and weird as that movie was at least a massive amount of cocaine can be blamed for its making. Smurfs 2 is just awful – scary, weird and creepy – I can’t imagine kids would have found joy in it, I certainly didn’t. (Full Review)

4.- Salinger (Shane Salerno) Unnecessary is the best way to describe this. Director Shane Salerno adds too little to the conversation, telling us first the story we know and a little behind the mystery leading up to its big reveal – the last photographs of JD Salinger alive as he baits the filmmaker. I wish it was as witty as a Nina Davenport movie, but no, Salerno keeps himself off camera.

3.- Ombis: Alien Invasion (Adam Steigert) A Western New York indie made by a dedicated army of volunteers with good intentions. The problem is that it wasn’t funny, scary or all that interesting. Described as a 1950’s style B-Movie it never really had fun with the genre by offering up surprises and twists.

2.- I’m In Love with a Church Girl (Steve Race) The worst kind of faith-based film, an advertisement rather than a movie. Good faith-based films do exist (consider Grace Unplugged, a good one released a few weeks before this one) but this one, existing within a Christian consumer ecosystem is awfully strange. Underscoring every emotional beat with music it doesn’t need it’s a shame – the film was written and produced by Galley Molina, a drug trafficker who later found faith – that’s the movie I want to see. (Full Review)

1.- InAPPropriate Comedy (Vince Offer) The worst kind of movie – mean spirited, vulgar, dirty and stupid. It offers a chuckle or two but like the products Vince Offer hocks it doesn’t deliver the goods. Featuring several former A-list celebrities the only rational for this movie was a potential tax write-off, maybe? (Full Review)